Saturday, February 13, 2010

My wish is my desire

April is the new fiscal year in Japan.. and here I am once again struggling with work. It's contract renewal time !!

So far things aren't that good. I don't know if people above go to some sort of school of containment, but this year it started pretty low (as "don't you even daaare to think about the word 'raise'").
The positives were considered the norm, my salary is "too high" and getting to work every day 13 minutes late shows that I'm not a very good worker..
Well well well.. how about that.. an intelligent and very motivated worker that doesn't want to be just a cog in the machine.. unexpected ! (never mind that I stay in the office 10, 11, 12 hours... per day)

I think that work is 90% social BS and 10% actual work.. if you factor in all the meetings and the moods and the antagonism..

I'm glad for what I've gotten so far and for all the people that believed in me, even those that believed in me as long as they saw me useful to them but not one minute longer.
However I can't fall for the trap of "be content, you make more than XYZ".
I'm not a poser.. ohhhh.. and there are posers in the game "industry" !! I didn't meet too many in Japan, but America is filled with those MFs. Scum people that have a big mouth but no skills.. the more meetings they have, the more meetings they take.. and all along they pretend to be engineers... disgusting !! Some you'll find on stage at some conferences.. because they have a name and probably never really had to work for real.. GET, A, JOB !

Japanese are overall more low key. The non-motivated are just low-key non-motivated.. though manipulation is still an issue. In a world of low-key people, it's easier to be a lion.

My goals for now.. first of all, graphics made for games has become uninteresting. A lot to work on, but generally it's about hacking around some hack that someone heard it's a good thing. And forget quality..
People that are doing deferred rendering.. I guess they are doing the best they can, but they are also wasting a lot of time.. stop the nonsense, with the fake anti-aliasing.. please !!!

And then there is DX11.. it's a work in progress, but most game devs have no idea, because they never really saw graphics from the quality point of view. DX11 is the poor version of REYES.. ..perhaps REYES is not the future.. but DX11 definitely has an inferiority complex when it looks at REYES.. DX11 is another bastard child of NVidia and Microsoft.

So.. my future isn't in game graphics development, not unless I have some influence in it.
Movie production seems more interesting.. but only mildly so.

My ideal would be to pause work for 1-2 years and simply study physics and the mathematics related to it. I'm not sure I'd be able to do that without going back to programing.. but it would be worth trying.. and one thing doesn't have to exclude the other.

I'm not poor, but I definitely have to work to live.. especially in Japan, where I have no family to rely on. And of course, I want to stay in Japan.. it's not as civilized as I wish, but it's probably the most civilized country, and that's why I live here.

I have to find a solution.. to live a comfortable life in a country that I like and to study the things that I want to, at my own pace (no "wizkid" scholarship of sorts).

..the important thing is that one shouldn't ignore his/her dreams.. especially not if they are about growing as a human being.

How philosophical !!!
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz